a letter to my pal at CERN

So, what's the latest on this neutrino nonsense? Last September it was the "it looks like they travel faster than light, so where did we screw up?" thing then, later last year, I read that they'd fine-tuned their equipment and repeated the experiment, only to find the same results. But maybe they screwed up again. It's all a bit unclear.

I don't know about you, but, since then, I've lost count of the number of conversations I've had with arseholes who suddenly have an opinion on Science. "Where Einstein went wrong is..." et cetera. Hoi Polloi standing on the shoulders of giants and skimming the first chapter of "A Brie History of Time". What a fucking mess.

Anyhow, seeing as every ignorant bastard on the planet is chipping in, I thought I'd share my own theory on this:

It's all a big fucking troll.

You lot at CERN have all been pretending to look for the Higgs Boson and such but, in reality, you've been playing a huge and hideously expensive practical joke on the science community. 'Fess up, mate - YOU lot engineered a faster-than-light neutrino just for shits and giggles, and turned it loose on the Italians.

So, now you've been rumbled, why don't you turn your hand to something really useful (not that there's anything inherently wrong with trolling Italian physicists)? If you ever end up doing requests for fun quantum engineering stunts, perhaps I could pass on my wish list for a few new elementary particles?

First, I'd like a supra-luminal electron. Or a few of them. I reckon if that I can use TCP packets of faster-than-light electrons to subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, there has to be some way I can get my hands on tomorrow's stock market prices today.

Next, how about giving me a photon with a bit of mass. You've seen what Parisian drivers are like? I want heavy photon headlights on my car over here, so that when I flash someone full beam to admonish their urban assholery, I can at the same time administer a light (no pun unintended) slap. A heavy photon lightbulb would also make a decent whoopee cushion, thinking about it. Good for kids' parties.

Please have a chat with your colleagues and fellow-trolls, and see what you can come up with.