led zep - the true story

LED ZEPPELIN – THE TRUE STORY

by Arnaud "Menjy" Fercq

The British rock scene in the sixties was remarkably simple. The up-and-coming musician had the choice of three bands and, by 1968, only one of these was still recruiting. Since selling drummer George Best to Manchester United for a (then) record transfer fee in 1962, The Beatles had effectively become a closed shop; the Stones were spending so much money on covering up Mick Taylor's death during a Keith Richards swimming lesson that they couldn't afford any new members; so the only option left open to an aspiring rock star was a job with the Yardbirds.

This was a relatively easy thing to do, however. The Yardbirds weren't fussy about who they took, and even Leeds United defender Norman Hunter joined them on tour in 1967 whilst recovering from a knee injury, despite the fact that he couldn't actually play a musical instrument. But the Yardbirds did have their limits, and shortly after infamous male prostitute and blackmailer turned session guitarist Jimmy Page joined the band, every other member quit in disgust.

Page, undaunted, decided to form a new line-up and, in an attempt to find a musician or two who hadn't heard of his reputation as an odious, miserly, small-minded petty criminal, travelled to the dreadful slums of the Midlands and their working mens' clubs. There he met Robert Plant, and persuaded him to give up his "two quid a night and as much beer as you can sup" career and follow him to London. Unfortunately for Page, Plant wasn't the only one who followed him. The club's bouncer, borderline-psychopath and car thief John "Bozo" Bonham went too, and bullied the frail, insecure Plant into giving him the rôle of drummer. The line-up was completed when Page's hairdresser and homosexual lover, former rent-boy Jean-Paul Poufiasse (aka Some Other Twat) agreed to work the dry-ice machine.

The band went on tour in Scandinavia as "The New Yardbirds", but were forced to drop the name after former members threatened to sue. The band's new name, "Led Zeppelin" is often attributed to The Who's Keith Moon. This could be the case; it is certainly true that Moon was the only person in the British music industry at the time who was crazy enough to go anywhere near Bonham unarmed. Indeed, the two drummers became almost friendly, sharing a penchant for hard drugs and mindless violence. It is rumoured that Mick Jagger, after hearing tales of their all-night orgies, took out expensive life-insurance cover on the pair of them. This would at least explain why he is still able to holiday in St Tropez even though no one has bought a Rolling Stones record since 1971.

Although it is widely thought that it was Bonham's death-threats which bullied Atlantic Records into signing the band in 1969, Page's relentless blackmailing campaign was probably of equal help. Whatever the reason, an incredibly high fee of $200000 was exchanged for just three hours in the studios, the album "Led Zeppelin" was released, and Bonham contemptously walked away with the lion's share of the cash, challenging the rest of the band to "fight me for it, if you think you're hard enough". The album, a shoddy patchwork of plagiarism, was soon followed by the imaginatively-named "Led Zeppelin II", a record in which Zeppelin continued to show their contempt for their public by including a thirty-five recording of a drunken Bonham destroying a drum kit with his bare hands - the infamous "Moby Dick".

The equally imaginatively-named Led Zeppelin III was released in 1970. There is little to say about this thoroughly mediocre work, but aficionados of piss-poor pop art will remember the rotating album cover which, amazingly, looked equally silly no matter which way it was turned. Music lovers worldwide were blissfully unaware that the band was already working on an abomination which would later become known as "*that* bloody thing". 1970 was drawing to a close and soon, Stairway to Heaven, arguably the most pretentious rock-ballad ever written, would ruin music for millions, worldwide.

Led Zeppelin's fourth album was released in November, 1971. Breaking with tradition, this insult to vinyl had no official name. The story that "Bozo" vetoed the working title of Led Zep IV on the grounds that "none of our fans can count past three anyhow, so fuck 'em", is almost certainly apocryphal.

In addition to the universally-condemned "Stairway to Heaven", "*that* bloody thing" also had a special guest appearance by Fairport Convention's Sandy Denny, who agreed to lend her voice to the abysmal

"Battle for Evermore" only after Page threatened to sell photos of her part as a bull-dyke in a three-way love tryst with Nana Mouskouri and Mary Hopkins to the press. A little-known fact is that "Stairway to Heaven" contains a diabolical subliminal message; if the track is played at 165rpm through a very bad stereo, Plant can be heard sobbing "I'm someone doesn't kill that Brummy psycho soon, *I* will". Well, perhaps not, but at 165rpm the track only plays for less than a minute, which makes the exercise worthwhile in itself.

By 1973, the sadistic Bonham had settled down to a reign of terror over the band and its crew. Only Page was spared his constant bullying, perhaps because of his extensive library of incriminating photographic negatives, but Plant was singled out for Bozo's worst treatment. In July 1973, twenty minutes before the band was due to appear on stage at Madison Square Gardens, the hapless singer was reduced to tears when he found his curling tongs superglued together. Although his plaintive cry of "it's not sodding funny" in reaction to the crowd's laughter at his appearance was later remastered to "does anyone remember laughter" for the live album, anyone who was at the concert knew the truth; Plant was on the verge of total nervous collapse. It was just a question of time.

In 1977, Zeppelin's US tour ended abruptly when Bonham finally pushed Plant over the edge into babbling psychosis. The neurotic singer found his pet hamster Karac beaten to a pulp, threatened to quit the band and, on the advice of his analyst, retired to the Greek Island of Rhodes for psychiatric care. The remaining dates were cancelled, and rumours that the band may never tour again began to spread. Who knows how long Led Zeppelin's hiatus would have continued had not Bonham tracked him down to his island retreat, beaten him mercilessly, and thrown him over the edge of a cliff?

Plant spent two long years recovering from his injuries, and by 1979 was fit enough to record what was to be their last studio album, "In Through the Back Door", although he never again was able to wear platform heels on stage. The 1979/80 "Hot Air Over Europe" promotional tour ended prematurely on September 25th 1980 when Bonham was murdered in his sleep. Why was he killed? Perhaps the fact that the psychotic thug had recently taken to wearing National Front teeshirts on stage offended the openly homosexual members of the band. Maybe his 90-minute "Moby Dick" drum solos drove one of his victims to homicidal rage. No one will ever know, but Bozo's reign of terror had finally ended.

A REBUTTAL

by Slick Corona

Notorious rock-libellist and talentless hack 'Menjy' recently penned a two-part article purportedly telling the "True Story" behind Led Zeppelin. This vile tissue of blatant fabrications may have fooled some readers but, as Robert Plant once said "the truth is there to see, ooooh baby, yeaah".

Arnaud 'Menjy' Fercq's opening paragraph holds the first clue that either the author simply had no idea what he was talking about, or that he wasn't going to let hard facts get in the way of a good bit of libel...

"Since selling drummer George Best to Manchester United for a (then) record transfer fee in 1962, The Beatles had effectively become a closed shop".

Lie Number One. Any Englishman knows that George Best began his blockbuster career with Manchester United in *1961*, not 1962. Fercq's second fabrication is more difficult to spot unless one is well-acquainted with the history of the Rolling Stones...

"the Stones were spending so much money on covering up Mick Taylor's death during a Keith Richards swimming lesson"

Lie Number Two. Keith Richards can't swim. Charlie Watts was the swimming instructor on the day of Taylor's untimely death.

In a later paragraph, Fercq goes on to describe Led Zeppelin's formation...

"The club's bouncer, borderline-psychopath and car thief John "Bozo" Bonham"

Lie Number Three. Bonham *was* a violent sociopath, but court records show that, although often charged, he was never actually *convicted* of car theft.

Although it appears that Fercq's editor forced him to reveal the truth of Australian amphetamine-addict Light Sleeper's cover version of "Stairway to Heaven", his pattern of distorting the truth to his own malicious ends soon continues in part two of his article, in which he falsely claims that...

"...Fairport Convention's Sandy Denny, who agreed to lend her voice to the abysmal "Battle for Evermore" only after Page threatened to sell photos of her part as a bull-dyke in a three-way love tryst with Nana Mouskouri and Mary Hopkins to the press..."

An obvious clue that 'Menjy' has reverted to his mendacious old ways is the fact that Sandy Denny *never* played with Fairport Convention. Less obvious is Nana Mouskouri's alleged involvement in the lesbian orgy. At the time that Led Zep IV was being recorded, Mouskouri was serving a seven year sentence in a Greek jail for marijuana smuggling.

Lennon's protogé Mary Hopkins' involvement is probable, however, and a red herring of veracity thrown into Fercq's pond of lies to confuse the honest reader. Page's archives reveal the spin-control behind Lennon's quip that Hopkins "was so pure she didn't even have an anus". Indeed, not only was she in clear possession of the orifice but, according to photographic evidence, she also had her own particular views on what it was there for.